Monday, September 19, 2011


I'm really happy seeing you guys having fun and all last Sunday, I just want to wish you guys all the best my ex university mates. Sometimes I just hope that I would have university friends who could last for years, maybe that's just what everybody says, now, even my close friends aren't close anymore, acquaintence maybe? I guess. At least I still have my urban life to lean and fall onto in times of trouble and misery and I really thank God for that, for He knows what I need and what I do not need. You guys kept saying that you're not excluded me from anything, but did you guys include me in anything? I guess not? Road trips and road trips, when did I ever got invited? Maybe the first time, yes, but because some didn't want me to come, I was excluded. Thanks for that, and may you all have a pleasant life ahead together. All the best.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Being around people you used to be close with, and feeling awkward now, isn't the best thing in life. Reaching that point that you don't feel like mixing around with them anymore? Personally, it is just me and I am certainly not stating this in general. Being a loner ain't fun as blowing dandelions all over the garden as many of you may know and have stated many friends who had been in this situation before. Maybe you guys just didn't see it in me, that I am, naturally, one of them. Maybe I wasn't the one everybody's looking forward to see, looking forward to hear about, looking forward to share good news with, and many other situations. And maybe, I wasn't important at all, and I am well of that all these while. Better off just stay alone, be alone, shy away from society, why is all these things happening to me now? Moments that I thought I may be accompanied by many others but all these turned out so wrong that my life currently is ruined, and if it is not because of you darling, and my parents, I would just give up on my life here and travel back to my home country. Life here, the rejection, really hurts me. I may not put in enough effort, but I've reached the point that I don't fucking care already whether I have dinner dates, shopping dates, outing dates and all that matters because what I need is really a good friend. And so far, all I have is just acquaintances, including those I just met up with a couple of minutes ago for dinner. God, why are you treating me like this? Why are you letting me go through all these neglection and shits and I really wanted to laugh with you guys just now, but really, whatever that I say, no one EVER GIVES A FUCKING DAMN ABOUT! Sorry I seldom curse but I really really I hate this lah, just don't call me anymore, I feel like crying at the moment and I think I am, just leave me alone and I'll try to adjust myself to this new life of mine. Having been excluded from hell lots of things that you guys seemes to be doing together, without me, I'm just lost. I felt like crying when you guys asked me about single child life because that just adds to the misery that I am going through right now. You think my life is all butterflies and ponies but let me tell you this, my life is a FUCKING HELL I'll rather just live alone in the desert. So, please ask yourself this, what do you really know about me? Nothing really, after all these years, you guys still thinks I have a happy family. Going through these shits are really torturing, and I personally hate it when you guys talk about people you're close with because it hurts me, it pierces through my heart that those people ignores me now. You guys may think you know how I feel, but you don't. So, just let me cry in my little room of misery.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Sometimes I wonder, what is like to belong? Or rather, I just forgot what is it like to belong. Circumstances, situations, personal reasons, knowing me, you'll know why, but I guess 99 out of 100 of you won't get what I mean because life seems perfect around you, rather, almost, until you neglect those people around you. Few weeks ago my pastor mentioned that we should not always be in our clicques until we tend to forget about the lone, it is not a need to, but through all these months I started to realize how lonely I actually am, being the lone one in the family despite born as an only child, outcast in my home church as there are no peers to share my thoughts with, forgotten by friends abroad most of the time, having to sit alone at lectures because though I have opportunities to, my presence won't be valued, or rather see it as a waste of time, me being there or not, makes no difference in their lives, also, enjoys being alone in my room; or rather, I should get used to that thought as there's no one to hang out with, scared to go out alone but my situation left me no choice, went home for winter holidays but was neglected and unappreciated by my bestfriends who kept talking among themselves and if I am not wrong, they did not even ask me a thing about my life in Melbourne. Don't this feel like being normal friends rather than bestfriends? This got me questioning whether do distance and time really matters in relationships like these, and I came to a conclusion that we're all just not making the effort to bond. Things like these really got me thinking what should I do at this moment? The truth is, I am already tired of making the effort to make friends anymore, as my existing ones are not even there for me. How I wish I was back in Malaysia, and just forget everything that has happened to me through these months. Things have changed, even my closest friends noticed this and mentioned to me. I'm abroad and she's not which is even worst for her situation and all she could do is to think positive and continue the current effort though it may not be as much help as it might seem. Anyway, being abroad for me ain't all candys and roses, rather, I shall compare it to thorns and piercings. Thanks for reading.

Friday, June 17, 2011

18062011 This is the only place I could truly express myself and I can't help it if you're reading it because I have no where else to go, no one else to pour out to, I hope you'll understand and not get offended because of my personality and how I am acting these few weeks. Things aren't easy for me, and they will never be, with the fact that I still can't get over with this. You guys may think I am overreacting a little, but just let me be okay (: I feel better everytime I write it down though it may risk certain people reading it, but I guess I just couldn't care anymore. Like it or leave it and don't ever come back again. Thanks for Pingu, I'll cherish it (:

Today is daddy's big big big birthday (:
And oh, its my uncle (Ah Deh's) biggggggg birthday as well! haha (brothers!)
Happy birthday dad (: and uncle (:
You know we love you both <3
17062011 Gotten my ADS3 (Architecture Design Studio) results today and it was fawesome (: couldn't believe I got M for my fugly sectional perspective though, didn't think I deserve that but nah, everything's finally nearing the end of the line now, with 2Ms and 2M+ which added to an overall M haha, hard work paid off but I guess I am just hardworking and judging on presentation wise, it kinda failed me a little with printing errors, photoshop errors, wrong paper choice and wrong sectional scale. And yeah, I collected my construction working drawings as well and guess what, workbook was awesome, M+ and drawings, M+ as well but what shocked me was that my tutor wrote 98 below the M+ goshh, that really made my day. I guess I should try to love architecture more and more which I know I am trying, really hard, to be creative, constructive and imaginative. One more paper to go, Construction, ahh so what? I'll just do my best and God will do the rest (:

Thursday, June 16, 2011

17062011 After watching 'Definitely Maybe' and 'A Cinderella Story', I realize that you'll always be there for me no matter what and true love exists. Being my best friend and companion, you're always there to listen to me, make me laugh in times when i cry, make me feel good about myself, accompanying me through the night, tell me everything's okay when I feel that my world kept crashing down on me, and many more unexplainable things. You're just there for me every second, every minute and I can't explain just how grateful I am to have you when most of my friends turned their backs on me. Also, I am grateful that two of them came over and told me what did happened and that I wasn't rejected or anything by everyone, though that was what I thought and wouldn't stop thinking about day and night, often having to cry myself to bed because this is not how I want to be treated. Like what my besties always say about me, that I am the kind who is okay with anything, anyone, any plans, not fussy, everything's right with me, happy and always, not having all these dramas to deal with or even starting one. Yes, thats totally true just that I conceal all the dramas, pain and depression in my mind, in my heard, that the world slammed on me. These things are often played over and over again in my head like a ferris wheel, slowly, detailed memories, sad memories though, but in my case, it never stopped lik ehow a ferris wheel would stop to let in and out passengers. Nonetheless, I am happy that my friends came to sort out things with me, though I cried much through the process. She said to me, 'do you honestly mind when you knew about this....' Frankly, everyone would. It is just a matter whether they may choose to confront you, talk to you or just keep it to themselves forever. And today, I also found out that one of my friend who never did or want to talk to me since we came here, actually wanted to give me a call about the matter, telling me everything's okay. Though all of us know it would be sort of awkward for him to call me, at least now I knew we actually could be friends again, just a matter of time. It affected me physically, mentally, my studies, my relationships, if I would have a choice, I wouldn't want to be me. But it is only through all these circumstances, that I will learn how to handle life, and handle the world. Thank you God, for helping me go through everything that has happened to me. All the shits that I've been going through, I know it was there for a purpose, helping me grow stronger and mature in handling things like these in the future, not being so weak like what I am now, helping me get through these step by step. Letting out and learning to let go, I learnt. Thanks for listening though. Appreciate them much if you do <3