Friday, June 17, 2011

18062011 This is the only place I could truly express myself and I can't help it if you're reading it because I have no where else to go, no one else to pour out to, I hope you'll understand and not get offended because of my personality and how I am acting these few weeks. Things aren't easy for me, and they will never be, with the fact that I still can't get over with this. You guys may think I am overreacting a little, but just let me be okay (: I feel better everytime I write it down though it may risk certain people reading it, but I guess I just couldn't care anymore. Like it or leave it and don't ever come back again. Thanks for Pingu, I'll cherish it (:

Today is daddy's big big big birthday (:
And oh, its my uncle (Ah Deh's) biggggggg birthday as well! haha (brothers!)
Happy birthday dad (: and uncle (:
You know we love you both <3
17062011 Gotten my ADS3 (Architecture Design Studio) results today and it was fawesome (: couldn't believe I got M for my fugly sectional perspective though, didn't think I deserve that but nah, everything's finally nearing the end of the line now, with 2Ms and 2M+ which added to an overall M haha, hard work paid off but I guess I am just hardworking and judging on presentation wise, it kinda failed me a little with printing errors, photoshop errors, wrong paper choice and wrong sectional scale. And yeah, I collected my construction working drawings as well and guess what, workbook was awesome, M+ and drawings, M+ as well but what shocked me was that my tutor wrote 98 below the M+ goshh, that really made my day. I guess I should try to love architecture more and more which I know I am trying, really hard, to be creative, constructive and imaginative. One more paper to go, Construction, ahh so what? I'll just do my best and God will do the rest (:

Thursday, June 16, 2011

17062011 After watching 'Definitely Maybe' and 'A Cinderella Story', I realize that you'll always be there for me no matter what and true love exists. Being my best friend and companion, you're always there to listen to me, make me laugh in times when i cry, make me feel good about myself, accompanying me through the night, tell me everything's okay when I feel that my world kept crashing down on me, and many more unexplainable things. You're just there for me every second, every minute and I can't explain just how grateful I am to have you when most of my friends turned their backs on me. Also, I am grateful that two of them came over and told me what did happened and that I wasn't rejected or anything by everyone, though that was what I thought and wouldn't stop thinking about day and night, often having to cry myself to bed because this is not how I want to be treated. Like what my besties always say about me, that I am the kind who is okay with anything, anyone, any plans, not fussy, everything's right with me, happy and always, not having all these dramas to deal with or even starting one. Yes, thats totally true just that I conceal all the dramas, pain and depression in my mind, in my heard, that the world slammed on me. These things are often played over and over again in my head like a ferris wheel, slowly, detailed memories, sad memories though, but in my case, it never stopped lik ehow a ferris wheel would stop to let in and out passengers. Nonetheless, I am happy that my friends came to sort out things with me, though I cried much through the process. She said to me, 'do you honestly mind when you knew about this....' Frankly, everyone would. It is just a matter whether they may choose to confront you, talk to you or just keep it to themselves forever. And today, I also found out that one of my friend who never did or want to talk to me since we came here, actually wanted to give me a call about the matter, telling me everything's okay. Though all of us know it would be sort of awkward for him to call me, at least now I knew we actually could be friends again, just a matter of time. It affected me physically, mentally, my studies, my relationships, if I would have a choice, I wouldn't want to be me. But it is only through all these circumstances, that I will learn how to handle life, and handle the world. Thank you God, for helping me go through everything that has happened to me. All the shits that I've been going through, I know it was there for a purpose, helping me grow stronger and mature in handling things like these in the future, not being so weak like what I am now, helping me get through these step by step. Letting out and learning to let go, I learnt. Thanks for listening though. Appreciate them much if you do <3

Everything seems like its falling apart.
My life, my soul, the people I love.
Breaking me, breaking us.
Shattered into bits and pieces.
My heart, solely my heart.
That none cares about.
16062011 I am sorry for how I acted just now after class. Just didn't want to include myself into any plans of yours for I think I don't deserve to be part of it, or rather the fact that I just don't like to be around people that hurt me over and over again, looking at your faces and lies, thanks for everything, it all ends here though we may still appear as friends. Things will never be the same anymore. Thank you for caring for me in the past and now as well, but I came to realize that the more you guys care for me, the more sympathetic i may be, thus shying away is the best solution I could think of though you guys may not agree with me. Heartaches are over, new beginnings are yet to come, erasing every single one of you from my life. It is just a matter of time.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

16062011 Why must my days start with tears? Most of my days in fact. Eventually, after a few rejections, I realized that things aren't going to change anymore. Friends aren't permanent and isolation begins to kick in when people don't bother or don't even feel like telling you what's going to happen, what's happening around with the rest, nah, its okay. I've been there, though many times already, I'm seriously hating this world right now, being in my state, you will do the same, might as well just turn your backs on everyone and live a lonely life in this foreign country. I know some of them didn't mean to hurt me, but I know, my presence wouldn't really make a difference anyway. Being there, not being there, you guys will still have fun no matter what. I am just nothing to everyone, a piece of junk, a punching board where I'm constantly hit, not in the face, but in the heart, piercing through my soul each time, each day I got rejected, as always. I guess this is the time for me to really sit down and think things, whether should I continue to be nice to everyone, invite them over for dinners, chats and all, maybe not already. There's seriously no point in doing that already. Shying away from the crowd hurts me more, no doubt, no friends, does it hurt? you bet it does, but that is the only way for me to avoid myself being hurt time after time. Things really changed. Everybody expect me to know things, but in fact, I actually don't and I am partly blaming myself for this. I should have known all these things, but turned out not and that costed me another round of rejection and depression. I guess that is my only relationship with the world now, with the society. My life here is fucking depressing with people around me not caring for me, taking advantage of me, just stop everything okay? Thank you for wasting five minutes of your life reading about my rejected life. I guess no one could ever relate to my state right now.

Monday, June 13, 2011

13062011 Sometimes I wonder, who am I to everyone? What do I mean to everyone? Who are my friends? Who are my close friends? Who are those around me? These thoughts ran through my head early this morning and it is still lingering around, waking me up from my dreams of an almost perfect life. It snapped away the past of everything I used to know and everyone I used to love, just in a blink of an eye, everything seemed like a lie. Just like that, everything started to change, every perception of mine started to twist, every thought of mine slowly began to doubt itself. Life used to be simple to me, but it turned out that I've been living a lie all these years. Being in my shoes, is good, but as time passes, loneliness started to kick in, the environment changes, the streets change, people change, hearts change. Permanence? Nothing is permanent. Everything that I thought would last, didn't seem so already and I am tired of this, so very tired of this, of the world and of people around me. Though most of the time I let quietness and solitude overwhelm myself, it will eventually come to a point where I have to let some things out so I could let new miseries and rejection sink in. Partly I blame myself for not living up socially, as all that had happened to me prevented me from doing so, often telling myself that I'd be better off alone than with everyone. People do change due to circumstances and I am one of them. My friends are always there for me, sometimes, only a handful of people. Sometimes, you'll just loose trust in the rest, slowly losing touch as well, used to being close, so close, yet so far in heart after what they had done to you. There will always be a phase in life that you'll have to go through no matter what and right now, I guess I am trapped in the phase of rejection and solitude. Its okay, really. It takes time to really build up genuine friendship which I thought I had, once had, until today..this really disappointed me, piercing through my heart.


Carrie Underwood - Temporary Home


Mayday Parade - Bruised and Scarred


The Script - Breakeven


Jessie J -Price Tag

Thursday, June 2, 2011


When you think the world has abandoned you, God hasn't

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Rejected. As always. Sometimes, I rather be alone in my bubble, floating and bouncing my way through life, be my own navigator, be my own map, not having to cling on to anything or anyone, telling me what to do and what not, forgetting about my past, floating my days away, until one day i'll vanish into thin air and that's when mourning starts, but you'll know its already too late for that as time doesn't wait for you or me. You said you were sorry, your words as soft, or maybe that was what I thought you would say, unintentionally, but sometimes it leaves a mark on others, not knowingly, as the last snow falling, on the first cherry blossoms, sad to say but you'll always be in my heart, tearing me part by part, though at times you sew it back, but one day, it'll still fall apart no matter how hard you try. I never blamed anyone, just myself for being too sensitive at times, I couldn't change that though I've tried, being all alone abroad isn't all fun and games, more of downs than ups so to speak, no one really cares.

Rejected. As always.