Monday, September 19, 2011

19092011

I'm really happy seeing you guys having fun and all last Sunday, I just want to wish you guys all the best my ex university mates. Sometimes I just hope that I would have university friends who could last for years, maybe that's just what everybody says, now, even my close friends aren't close anymore, acquaintence maybe? I guess. At least I still have my urban life to lean and fall onto in times of trouble and misery and I really thank God for that, for He knows what I need and what I do not need. You guys kept saying that you're not excluded me from anything, but did you guys include me in anything? I guess not? Road trips and road trips, when did I ever got invited? Maybe the first time, yes, but because some didn't want me to come, I was excluded. Thanks for that, and may you all have a pleasant life ahead together. All the best.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

07082011

Being around people you used to be close with, and feeling awkward now, isn't the best thing in life. Reaching that point that you don't feel like mixing around with them anymore? Personally, it is just me and I am certainly not stating this in general. Being a loner ain't fun as blowing dandelions all over the garden as many of you may know and have stated many friends who had been in this situation before. Maybe you guys just didn't see it in me, that I am, naturally, one of them. Maybe I wasn't the one everybody's looking forward to see, looking forward to hear about, looking forward to share good news with, and many other situations. And maybe, I wasn't important at all, and I am well of that all these while. Better off just stay alone, be alone, shy away from society, why is all these things happening to me now? Moments that I thought I may be accompanied by many others but all these turned out so wrong that my life currently is ruined, and if it is not because of you darling, and my parents, I would just give up on my life here and travel back to my home country. Life here, the rejection, really hurts me. I may not put in enough effort, but I've reached the point that I don't fucking care already whether I have dinner dates, shopping dates, outing dates and all that matters because what I need is really a good friend. And so far, all I have is just acquaintances, including those I just met up with a couple of minutes ago for dinner. God, why are you treating me like this? Why are you letting me go through all these neglection and shits and I really wanted to laugh with you guys just now, but really, whatever that I say, no one EVER GIVES A FUCKING DAMN ABOUT! Sorry I seldom curse but I really really I hate this lah, just don't call me anymore, I feel like crying at the moment and I think I am, just leave me alone and I'll try to adjust myself to this new life of mine. Having been excluded from hell lots of things that you guys seemes to be doing together, without me, I'm just lost. I felt like crying when you guys asked me about single child life because that just adds to the misery that I am going through right now. You think my life is all butterflies and ponies but let me tell you this, my life is a FUCKING HELL I'll rather just live alone in the desert. So, please ask yourself this, what do you really know about me? Nothing really, after all these years, you guys still thinks I have a happy family. Going through these shits are really torturing, and I personally hate it when you guys talk about people you're close with because it hurts me, it pierces through my heart that those people ignores me now. You guys may think you know how I feel, but you don't. So, just let me cry in my little room of misery.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

02082011

Sometimes I wonder, what is like to belong? Or rather, I just forgot what is it like to belong. Circumstances, situations, personal reasons, knowing me, you'll know why, but I guess 99 out of 100 of you won't get what I mean because life seems perfect around you, rather, almost, until you neglect those people around you. Few weeks ago my pastor mentioned that we should not always be in our clicques until we tend to forget about the lone, it is not a need to, but through all these months I started to realize how lonely I actually am, being the lone one in the family despite born as an only child, outcast in my home church as there are no peers to share my thoughts with, forgotten by friends abroad most of the time, having to sit alone at lectures because though I have opportunities to, my presence won't be valued, or rather see it as a waste of time, me being there or not, makes no difference in their lives, also, enjoys being alone in my room; or rather, I should get used to that thought as there's no one to hang out with, scared to go out alone but my situation left me no choice, went home for winter holidays but was neglected and unappreciated by my bestfriends who kept talking among themselves and if I am not wrong, they did not even ask me a thing about my life in Melbourne. Don't this feel like being normal friends rather than bestfriends? This got me questioning whether do distance and time really matters in relationships like these, and I came to a conclusion that we're all just not making the effort to bond. Things like these really got me thinking what should I do at this moment? The truth is, I am already tired of making the effort to make friends anymore, as my existing ones are not even there for me. How I wish I was back in Malaysia, and just forget everything that has happened to me through these months. Things have changed, even my closest friends noticed this and mentioned to me. I'm abroad and she's not which is even worst for her situation and all she could do is to think positive and continue the current effort though it may not be as much help as it might seem. Anyway, being abroad for me ain't all candys and roses, rather, I shall compare it to thorns and piercings. Thanks for reading.

Friday, June 17, 2011

18062011 This is the only place I could truly express myself and I can't help it if you're reading it because I have no where else to go, no one else to pour out to, I hope you'll understand and not get offended because of my personality and how I am acting these few weeks. Things aren't easy for me, and they will never be, with the fact that I still can't get over with this. You guys may think I am overreacting a little, but just let me be okay (: I feel better everytime I write it down though it may risk certain people reading it, but I guess I just couldn't care anymore. Like it or leave it and don't ever come back again. Thanks for Pingu, I'll cherish it (:
18062011

Today is daddy's big big big birthday (:
And oh, its my uncle (Ah Deh's) biggggggg birthday as well! haha (brothers!)
Happy birthday dad (: and uncle (:
You know we love you both <3
17062011 Gotten my ADS3 (Architecture Design Studio) results today and it was fawesome (: couldn't believe I got M for my fugly sectional perspective though, didn't think I deserve that but nah, everything's finally nearing the end of the line now, with 2Ms and 2M+ which added to an overall M haha, hard work paid off but I guess I am just hardworking and judging on presentation wise, it kinda failed me a little with printing errors, photoshop errors, wrong paper choice and wrong sectional scale. And yeah, I collected my construction working drawings as well and guess what, workbook was awesome, M+ and drawings, M+ as well but what shocked me was that my tutor wrote 98 below the M+ goshh, that really made my day. I guess I should try to love architecture more and more which I know I am trying, really hard, to be creative, constructive and imaginative. One more paper to go, Construction, ahh so what? I'll just do my best and God will do the rest (:

Thursday, June 16, 2011

17062011 After watching 'Definitely Maybe' and 'A Cinderella Story', I realize that you'll always be there for me no matter what and true love exists. Being my best friend and companion, you're always there to listen to me, make me laugh in times when i cry, make me feel good about myself, accompanying me through the night, tell me everything's okay when I feel that my world kept crashing down on me, and many more unexplainable things. You're just there for me every second, every minute and I can't explain just how grateful I am to have you when most of my friends turned their backs on me. Also, I am grateful that two of them came over and told me what did happened and that I wasn't rejected or anything by everyone, though that was what I thought and wouldn't stop thinking about day and night, often having to cry myself to bed because this is not how I want to be treated. Like what my besties always say about me, that I am the kind who is okay with anything, anyone, any plans, not fussy, everything's right with me, happy and always, not having all these dramas to deal with or even starting one. Yes, thats totally true just that I conceal all the dramas, pain and depression in my mind, in my heard, that the world slammed on me. These things are often played over and over again in my head like a ferris wheel, slowly, detailed memories, sad memories though, but in my case, it never stopped lik ehow a ferris wheel would stop to let in and out passengers. Nonetheless, I am happy that my friends came to sort out things with me, though I cried much through the process. She said to me, 'do you honestly mind when you knew about this....' Frankly, everyone would. It is just a matter whether they may choose to confront you, talk to you or just keep it to themselves forever. And today, I also found out that one of my friend who never did or want to talk to me since we came here, actually wanted to give me a call about the matter, telling me everything's okay. Though all of us know it would be sort of awkward for him to call me, at least now I knew we actually could be friends again, just a matter of time. It affected me physically, mentally, my studies, my relationships, if I would have a choice, I wouldn't want to be me. But it is only through all these circumstances, that I will learn how to handle life, and handle the world. Thank you God, for helping me go through everything that has happened to me. All the shits that I've been going through, I know it was there for a purpose, helping me grow stronger and mature in handling things like these in the future, not being so weak like what I am now, helping me get through these step by step. Letting out and learning to let go, I learnt. Thanks for listening though. Appreciate them much if you do <3
16062011

Everything seems like its falling apart.
My life, my soul, the people I love.
Breaking me, breaking us.
Shattered into bits and pieces.
My heart, solely my heart.
That none cares about.
16062011 I am sorry for how I acted just now after class. Just didn't want to include myself into any plans of yours for I think I don't deserve to be part of it, or rather the fact that I just don't like to be around people that hurt me over and over again, looking at your faces and lies, thanks for everything, it all ends here though we may still appear as friends. Things will never be the same anymore. Thank you for caring for me in the past and now as well, but I came to realize that the more you guys care for me, the more sympathetic i may be, thus shying away is the best solution I could think of though you guys may not agree with me. Heartaches are over, new beginnings are yet to come, erasing every single one of you from my life. It is just a matter of time.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

16062011 Why must my days start with tears? Most of my days in fact. Eventually, after a few rejections, I realized that things aren't going to change anymore. Friends aren't permanent and isolation begins to kick in when people don't bother or don't even feel like telling you what's going to happen, what's happening around with the rest, nah, its okay. I've been there, though many times already, I'm seriously hating this world right now, being in my state, you will do the same, might as well just turn your backs on everyone and live a lonely life in this foreign country. I know some of them didn't mean to hurt me, but I know, my presence wouldn't really make a difference anyway. Being there, not being there, you guys will still have fun no matter what. I am just nothing to everyone, a piece of junk, a punching board where I'm constantly hit, not in the face, but in the heart, piercing through my soul each time, each day I got rejected, as always. I guess this is the time for me to really sit down and think things, whether should I continue to be nice to everyone, invite them over for dinners, chats and all, maybe not already. There's seriously no point in doing that already. Shying away from the crowd hurts me more, no doubt, no friends, does it hurt? you bet it does, but that is the only way for me to avoid myself being hurt time after time. Things really changed. Everybody expect me to know things, but in fact, I actually don't and I am partly blaming myself for this. I should have known all these things, but turned out not and that costed me another round of rejection and depression. I guess that is my only relationship with the world now, with the society. My life here is fucking depressing with people around me not caring for me, taking advantage of me, just stop everything okay? Thank you for wasting five minutes of your life reading about my rejected life. I guess no one could ever relate to my state right now.

Monday, June 13, 2011

13062011 Sometimes I wonder, who am I to everyone? What do I mean to everyone? Who are my friends? Who are my close friends? Who are those around me? These thoughts ran through my head early this morning and it is still lingering around, waking me up from my dreams of an almost perfect life. It snapped away the past of everything I used to know and everyone I used to love, just in a blink of an eye, everything seemed like a lie. Just like that, everything started to change, every perception of mine started to twist, every thought of mine slowly began to doubt itself. Life used to be simple to me, but it turned out that I've been living a lie all these years. Being in my shoes, is good, but as time passes, loneliness started to kick in, the environment changes, the streets change, people change, hearts change. Permanence? Nothing is permanent. Everything that I thought would last, didn't seem so already and I am tired of this, so very tired of this, of the world and of people around me. Though most of the time I let quietness and solitude overwhelm myself, it will eventually come to a point where I have to let some things out so I could let new miseries and rejection sink in. Partly I blame myself for not living up socially, as all that had happened to me prevented me from doing so, often telling myself that I'd be better off alone than with everyone. People do change due to circumstances and I am one of them. My friends are always there for me, sometimes, only a handful of people. Sometimes, you'll just loose trust in the rest, slowly losing touch as well, used to being close, so close, yet so far in heart after what they had done to you. There will always be a phase in life that you'll have to go through no matter what and right now, I guess I am trapped in the phase of rejection and solitude. Its okay, really. It takes time to really build up genuine friendship which I thought I had, once had, until today..this really disappointed me, piercing through my heart.

12062011


Carrie Underwood - Temporary Home




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11062011


Mayday Parade - Bruised and Scarred





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10062011


The Script - Breakeven



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09062011

Jessie J -Price Tag




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Thursday, June 2, 2011

02062011

When you think the world has abandoned you, God hasn't

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

01062011

Rejected. As always. Sometimes, I rather be alone in my bubble, floating and bouncing my way through life, be my own navigator, be my own map, not having to cling on to anything or anyone, telling me what to do and what not, forgetting about my past, floating my days away, until one day i'll vanish into thin air and that's when mourning starts, but you'll know its already too late for that as time doesn't wait for you or me. You said you were sorry, your words as soft, or maybe that was what I thought you would say, unintentionally, but sometimes it leaves a mark on others, not knowingly, as the last snow falling, on the first cherry blossoms, sad to say but you'll always be in my heart, tearing me part by part, though at times you sew it back, but one day, it'll still fall apart no matter how hard you try. I never blamed anyone, just myself for being too sensitive at times, I couldn't change that though I've tried, being all alone abroad isn't all fun and games, more of downs than ups so to speak, no one really cares.
01062011

Rejected. As always.

Friday, April 8, 2011

09042011 I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go Things go wrong so you appreciate them when they're right You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together
08042011 I know its my wrong for not wanting to join the conversation, but you guys seem happy with or even without me, so what's the point if things are going to be the way it seems, just leave me alone. Its very obvious and I get the vibe that he doesn't want me around or seems to be ignoring me. I know it doesn't affect the rest of you but it pierced through my heart and the wound will never be healed, though I tried to make the effort. What did I do wrong to get such harsh treatment? And when everyone's around, I just can't seem to not think about the issue though the rest implied that he's just a jerk and that I should forget about things. Put yourself in my shoes and you'll feel it I promise. You're just not going through the things I'm going through and it hurts bad. At least my boyfriend's always there for me, through hardships and sorrows, though none other could understand me, he does, and I appreciate every single thing he does. Staring at the buildings at the opposite side of the road, I kept telling myself not to think about things and just talk normally but my heart implies otherwise. What have I done? What have I done? I can't take this anymore, and from now onwards, I'll just be alone, with myself and no other, though times may be tough, but do I get a choice? I'm just not comfortable being around you guys and when I see you guys laugh and talk, I began to be depressed, fuck my life seriously. You guys just don't see the point. By asking me what's wrong doesn't help at all, rather makes it worst, being ignorant of my going throughs, life's just hard. I wish I could start all over on a new piece of blank paper.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

06042011 I feel so left out, insignificant in life, in my friend's eyes, i'm never included in anything, never once happy with anything, I just don't feel good about everything generally. What's with my fucking life? Friends aren't friends when all they care about is themselves, themselves and themselves. What's with society and everyone around me? I hate being alone, being left behind and ultimately only being there when the rest wants to have fun, it sucks

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

06042011 Being too dependent is torturing, cause you'll never know what would happen until time comes. My only hope of getting away with the things I was never interested in in life, guess the grass may not be greener on the other side. Never thought it would gonna end that way. People are people and sometimes they change their minds, leaving me restless, unsure of what to be without you around. Why aren't people treating me the way I treat others? Why are there so much pain and hurt within me that I may not even knew of its existence, feeling it little by little at times? Accumulating all sorrows, lingering through my mind, having thoughts of just killing myself for being too weak, always taken advantage on. I can't take this anymore, its hurt to know how ignorant some people are, how insensitive, how obnoxious people could get. And I know its never simple, never easy to deal with all these, I wish I could be home or simply just feel like home. Nevertheless, I'll still have to breathe, without you, I'll try to breathe. Thanks for listening

Monday, April 4, 2011

04042011 I miss you guys so much that I wish I could go back to December and to all the good times we had together <3 Welovetillwedie